I don’t know anyone in a relationship who doesn’t get set off by their partner. The domino effect of relationships doing their mini version of a crash and burn are legend. But you gotta wonder sometimes what it takes to break the cycle. For me it was amping my work out routine, for me it was getting positive despite any challenges.

We’ve had a great year. It really seems like we pulled so much together, and did better emotionally and in the way we deal with things. My workout routine has gotten consistent, and I can see/feel the results of it. But JLWS is kinda flailing behind, and she’s not going out quietly. We do this thing, emote and push our energy out. If we’re happy, people feel the good vibes, if we’re down they feel the depression. Relationships are about mingling moods, and trying to keep good energy.

--We’re losing—We’ve lost our good energy. A few months ago I made this push to sell the house, it seemed like the best thing to do, I had a lot of impending recession dread, and JLWS was relentless in talking about how she *** **** ****, and I just couldn’t cope with it anymore. So finally I was like “Let’s find a cheaper house”, and it was all about trying to alleviate overhead stress. But we didn’t do it. All of my extreme plans (give the house for a condo, get a fixer upper) were met with rejection, and we both know we are close to the end of the house being a stress on us (knock on wood). As a matter of fact JLWS expressed that she’d feel like a failure if we “moved down”. I didn’t care, anything to give her more options and bring us peaceful energy.

The peaceful energy is apathetically –draining-- drained away on the eve of the holiday season. And I had little to do with it. My spirits have been high, I’m excited about the holidays. And I have reason to be. I have two weeks of vacation left, good scotch can still be found at any liquor store, and despite the fact that my wife has a shitty schedule from now till 01.02.06 everyone else will do their best to have a good time.

Take the shitty hand dealt to you and make it worse by spreading the negative energy, or suck it up. I used to deal with this differently. It used to bring me down, it used to start fights, it used to be this serious drag. Over the course of this year I’ve tried to be what a husband and partner should be when the other person in the relationship is down, I’ve tried to be supportive and positive. And I’ll continue to be supportive and positive, but the more my wife pulls into this apathetic ball of indifference and stopping everything she used to do, the more I feel myself kinda going blank, to avoid anger. I have offered a dozen and then a dozen more different ways my wife can make her life more upbeat. I’m done with it. I don’t want to hear anymore about how she is depressed with her **** or how “No one knows what it’s like” (EDIT BY JLWS: This is the only part of this that I'm upset about. I don't say that shit. Come on. Give me some credit. I'm not in fucking high school.), or any other reason she has for being down. I am done. I have done all that I can do. I will not go down the path she is going down. I am becoming very unhappy.

Consistency is not optional in a relationship if you want it to work. Consistency is not something you do in the relationship till you get stressed out, and then you drop it. Consistency is the only thing that keeps crazy people from going crazy. I like consistency. I need and have to have consistency. If I don’t get consistency I’ll go nuts. And I’m not going nuts, I’m not playing this game of self destructive depression. She has a list and she should check it twice, cause a lot is now riding on this new plan. We have come against the wall, we can’t keep making new plans, and taking on new ideas, and watch how they never come to fruition, and then repeat the cycle. There is no progress in that.

And you know what, I don’t fucking care if we live in a weekly suite. I don’t care if she becomes the media consultant for a Unitarian Church. Change has to occur. I’m not paying the asshole tax in 06, I’m not going to live with a victim in 06, and I’m not going to live with a person who feels like they are the victim and I am the tormentor either. And I’m also not gonna do any of that shit for the rest of this year either. FUCK THIS. It doesn’t feel like the holidays when someone calls you up constantly to tell you how they hate everything in their life, and when they are around they are on Solitaire, Live Journal or watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. It’s fucking depressing, and life is too short.

Some people get Holiday Happy, some people get Holiday Sad.

Current Mood Holiday Happy, some amout of agitation. Ready to initiate FIRST STRIKE